Warning: I am feeling quite good. I’m on an exercise endorphin high, actually. But this post doesn’t have kind things to say.
Ran into a couple of people over the last month. Both people who claim to love me and enjoy my company and desire my friendship. Both people who haven’t said more than a passing “Hi” at an accidental meeting for more than a year. A year after I hurt them bad.
I deserve their shunning. But they say they’ve forgiven me. They’ve just been so busy lately. Yeah. Too busy for a social life. Except for all those people who are not me, with whom they are social.
They aren’t shunning me. I just magically exist in a world where they don’t have time to say more than accidental “Hi”s to anyone. A world absolutely no-one else occupies.
I’m not bitter. Not any more. My emotions over the matter are old and dead. I have better things to do than to waste my time on relationship counselors who’ve never fought to preserve a relationship that existed outside of sex-created bonds.
If I chose my religion based on the actions of the church…
If I picked a God to follow based on personal testimonies instead of historical evidence and logical reasoning…
…Then I would have become a Taoist or an Atheist long, long ago. Because fuck the church.
If God forgives the way you forgive, then how exactly will His forgiveness keep me out of Hell?
If God loves the way you love, then how can I tell the difference between His love, and His not giving a shit?
Your grace is identical to condemnation. Your love is identical to apathy. Your forgiveness is identical to rejection.
There are two lessons to be drawn here.
The lesson every good church-goer will draw, if they can pull their head out of their ass long enough to stop accusing me of being un–Christ–like, not following the example of the Scriptures, is that we should behave in accordance with our beliefs, and live out the Gospel.
The lesson very few will draw is this:
A conversion based on personal testimony, on feeling, or on desire, is a conversion that is only as strong and pure as the human heart.
But look to the Scriptures. In Acts, we see the gospel of Peter, Paul, and Stephen. On what do they base their teachings? On history. On what is observed. On what is written. On what is reasoned out (at least while hanging out in Athens). On events that could be investigated. On testimony that could be double-checked. On records and prophesies. On demonstrations of power.
These things exist beyond the human heart.
If I based my religion on the personal testimony, I would, quite frankly, be living it up in Japan selling hand-drawn animated porn. But here I am, making games dumber than Space Invaders in the hope I can aim a little higher and eventually please my Lord. Not because He changed my heart or healed my soul, though goodness knows He does both of these things, but because He is a Fact. Like gravity. Inescapable. History as solid and inescapable as the fall of Rome or the bombing of Hiroshima.
The church has failed to point me to God, because they are too busy pointing at themselves. But God is there, all the same.